Lesson 4 – First World Problems

It seems all the media does these days is report bad news stories and so I thought I’d dive into the dark political realms and offer solutions to real problems…just like an agony aunt…but with no common sense.

Summer makes London a very busy place. It seems theirs a large proportion of Londoners who only exist when the suns out. Now this is all very well but it creates a serious problem. One that breed chaos, disaster and wide spread panic. The slow walker. I hate slow or indecisive walkers. Personally, it delays me from getting to work, meeting friends, the gym, as you can imagine the list in exhaustive. Tourists are the worse, they suddenly stop without warning leaving you to either undertake a last minute sidestep (my shoes don’t have the necessary support) or pile into the back of them. And don’t even get me started on people who walk while on their phone. Concentrate on one thing man! You’ve got to be nimbler than a ballet dancer to swivel, duck and dive through London’s streets and the many obstacles. Sadly, I am no ballet dancer. It’s like one of those 70s games where you’re in a car and you drive down the road and must avoid the incoming cars.

At this point I imagine you’re saying ‘Chill out Jonathan’ and perhaps I should but I have a solution! Let me introduce you to the walking code of conduct. I know, pure genius.

Pavements will be split into lanes, pedestrians will look over their shoulders before pulling out into faster moving walkers, indicators will exist, traffic lights, lay-buys for if you need to get something out of your bag. As you can see I have given this much thought. What I propose is a system where before you can be set loose on our streets you must pass a walking exam.

I will admit it does sound slightly totalitarian but I myself have experienced the consequences of dangerous walking…a newbie haltered suddenly (God only knows why, perhaps he dropped his lucky penny or was perplexed by how long the morning que in Pret was…) this caused the gent behind him to lurch to his right to avoid a head on collision and in doing so managed to spill coffee down my perfectly white chinos. You see. This is a serious issue. Think Oxford or Liverpool Street in rush hour.

I must admit that fighting the indecisive walker is much harder. Go, stop, go, stop. What on earth are they thinking? I feel sorry for them, imagine the stress if ever faced with a more difficult decision. Ok, perhaps I am being overly dramatic. They might be out exploring the city and wanting to see as much as possible which I completely approve of. Just not at 7.30 on a Monday morning…

The best part is that provisional walkers will wear hats with a flag sticking out the top to warn of their unpredictable nature. Yes, safety ensured. People could even have speedos so they can adjust their lane to suit their speed. Or imagine clip on wing mirrors. I tell you the commercial world would have a field day with all the accessories. I’ve had a thought on dangerous walking and I don’t think it poses an issue. But we could run advanced walking lessons? This would most certainly have to cover walking with beverages to stop another ‘chino gate’ happening. The opportunities are endless.

Maybe this is the start of a new career. Jonathan the politician. Fighting and tackling the real issues…like slow walkers…or perhaps not.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *